The holidays that hurt

Well, first post, the making of this seemed to be the easy part.  Now that it's time to get the words out, I've seem to come to a stand still.  Guess this first post might be a little bit gibberish, as I get my footing and begin to get everything out.  

To start out with I wanted to get out there the hard part, that nobody seems to be able to tell you, the holidays.  I never would have thought that along with her birthday, every holiday becomes a milestone in your mind.  The first holiday that I came to, after Chasity came and left, was a major shock.  It happened to be halloween and then Christmas.  Halloween was bad, only because I was not expecting the feelings.  When you go to the store, and all of the baby items are out, "first Halloween", baby costumes, ect.... there was just a void, because I wanted to be able to buy the stuff for my baby, when she just wasn't there to receive any of it.  It was a horrible feeling, especially because she was my first child, I just had to walk by the stuff... try to avoid the whole section designated towards what I had lost. 

Christmas, that one was an especially hard holiday.  Presents, christmas dresses, toys, tv shows, movies... just some of the stuff that send constant reminders that she's not there for any of it.  Walking in Walmart, and seeing the Christmas dresses that are just beautiful and so cute for your little princess, and not being able to put any on her.  Not being able to resist walking over and touching the red velvety fabrics, looking at which is cutest, and which she would wear, and if they have her size, and then that it doesn't matter anyways.  

Second shock that I got, when it came to the holidays, was after my son was born, 2007, a year later.  Came round to the holidays again, expecting it to be a little easier... not at all.  Excitement at being able to get the stuff that I tried avoiding, to no avail, the year before, faded pretty quick.  When I did get excited being able to get him something, it was often followed by a guilt, because she didn't get any of it.  And also, since this year I was shopping for my son, the same red dresses haunted me, since it was inevitable, I had to go in these locations, because I now needed stuff in the same area, for my son.  And even then, if I did get sad because I still yearned to be spoiling her also, it was also followed by guilt... from not just being happy that I had my son now to be able to share this with.  It seemed to be an endless cycle of joy, sadness, and guilt.

Even now, almost 5 years later, with my 2 sons here with me, the holidays pose a threat to the joy or happiness that I allow myself to have.  Even though they say time heals all wounds, it doesn't mean there isn't a telltale sign of a scar.  A mark that doesn't go away, that can send memories straight at you unexpectedly, a thin line of numbness that occasionally will draw your touch absentmindedly without your permission.