The Gravestone

When you have a baby that dies, one of the major truths, is that the one of the only, biggest, and most important purchase you are going to make is going to be their gravestone.  It is not an easy decision, well actually, there is nothing at all easy about it.  It being the last thing you are going to be able to get for them, you want the best.  What sucks about it, is not everyone can afford that.  My little girl would be 5 years old next month, I only was able to purchase her gravestone last month.

The first thing when getting the baby's gravestone, is the design.  The options all differ depending on your cemetery though they should be pretty similar.  They have premade ones, ones that you yourself can design all of it, ones that include picture collages, some that have a picture frame on it, add-on vases, there is lots of choices.  

Another decision when it comes to the design, is the wording you are going to put on it, though the wording is very limited, which makes it even harder.  And in our minds, the wording is ever so important... it's what you are going to read, what your fingers are going to trace over, as you are sitting there with your little one.  Every parent is different, there isnt a book available to look through, like when you chose your baby's name, it takes a lot of thinking to figure it out.  When I was looking personally... I went through dozens and dozens of sites, trying to find what she meant to me.  (I'll share the layout and everything I picked at the end)  There are a lot of poems and sayings and wordings I found, that I myself loved, that made me cry, that just sat inside of me.  Though trying to find one short enough was hard.  

Then comes a visual if you want one, the graphic I personally chose, I found at random, and knew immediately it was the one.  It was a heart with baby footprints inside.  Since my Chasity was born and taken in 2 days time, at 24 weeks, pictures of her weren't available as option.  I did have her footprints though, of her tiny little sweet feet.  And set inside of a heart was even more perfect, cause when you lose a baby, their footprints are definitely imprinted on your heart, for life.   I think having her little footprints there, to be able to see them, the size & shape, helps in making her feel a little more "real" when I go to visit her.  I also added a little design of a moon and stars, which went with one of the wordings that I had found online.

Here's my final draft... although it has to go through the company that makes the gravestones first, they will sketch it out, and send a final copy to us to approve before they make it.  

The rose in the corner will not actually be on the stone, it was just the placement marker I used to show where the vase would go.  Our cemetery has rules that nothing allowed besides whats in/on the vase, that is purchased with the stone, and connected to it... so it was definitely a necessity for me. 

Here's my rough draft.

After the purchase(which for references purposes cost $900(I got a small discount luckily, since my limit was $1000, or I would've had to minimize some words) ,(and which I saved to do in full, instead of the payment option, since it wouldn't be ordered until it was fully paid anyways)... comes the waiting- while its being ordered and made.  This part I wasn't expecting, it comes without a warning.  As soon as you pay for it, it feels accomplished, you want your baby to get their gift right away.  But with the personalized order, it takes 2-3 weeks for them to get the rough draft back to you, and then 3-4 months for it to get made.  This really disappointed me a lot, I was really set that she would be able to have it by her birthday, which was a little bit over a months time away, but at least now I am okay with before Christmas time.   So at this point, I am still waiting, anticipating, for the draft to get back to me, so I can approve it, and have the process almost close to finished.  I am slightly worried, with the sizing and the amount of stuff I had on such a small thing, so I am hoping the approval comes much sooner than later.  

(And I apologize is the post sounds slightly more impersonal than I wish it to be, Until I am able to see her gravestone there with her, I am afraid to get my hopes up at. Something that bothers me that I havent given this to her yet, that I havent taken care of her, so to speak.  Sometimes to be able to handle the situation, I just have to step away from it a little.  But this was just on my mind tonight, something I felt was part of the experience I was going through, so thank you for bearing with me)

The holidays that hurt

Well, first post, the making of this seemed to be the easy part.  Now that it's time to get the words out, I've seem to come to a stand still.  Guess this first post might be a little bit gibberish, as I get my footing and begin to get everything out.  

To start out with I wanted to get out there the hard part, that nobody seems to be able to tell you, the holidays.  I never would have thought that along with her birthday, every holiday becomes a milestone in your mind.  The first holiday that I came to, after Chasity came and left, was a major shock.  It happened to be halloween and then Christmas.  Halloween was bad, only because I was not expecting the feelings.  When you go to the store, and all of the baby items are out, "first Halloween", baby costumes, ect.... there was just a void, because I wanted to be able to buy the stuff for my baby, when she just wasn't there to receive any of it.  It was a horrible feeling, especially because she was my first child, I just had to walk by the stuff... try to avoid the whole section designated towards what I had lost. 

Christmas, that one was an especially hard holiday.  Presents, christmas dresses, toys, tv shows, movies... just some of the stuff that send constant reminders that she's not there for any of it.  Walking in Walmart, and seeing the Christmas dresses that are just beautiful and so cute for your little princess, and not being able to put any on her.  Not being able to resist walking over and touching the red velvety fabrics, looking at which is cutest, and which she would wear, and if they have her size, and then that it doesn't matter anyways.  

Second shock that I got, when it came to the holidays, was after my son was born, 2007, a year later.  Came round to the holidays again, expecting it to be a little easier... not at all.  Excitement at being able to get the stuff that I tried avoiding, to no avail, the year before, faded pretty quick.  When I did get excited being able to get him something, it was often followed by a guilt, because she didn't get any of it.  And also, since this year I was shopping for my son, the same red dresses haunted me, since it was inevitable, I had to go in these locations, because I now needed stuff in the same area, for my son.  And even then, if I did get sad because I still yearned to be spoiling her also, it was also followed by guilt... from not just being happy that I had my son now to be able to share this with.  It seemed to be an endless cycle of joy, sadness, and guilt.

Even now, almost 5 years later, with my 2 sons here with me, the holidays pose a threat to the joy or happiness that I allow myself to have.  Even though they say time heals all wounds, it doesn't mean there isn't a telltale sign of a scar.  A mark that doesn't go away, that can send memories straight at you unexpectedly, a thin line of numbness that occasionally will draw your touch absentmindedly without your permission.